Delivery
final revision (I think) for now. Thanks everyone, for your help.-----------------------"Come in, my dear, and have a cup of tea,"she murmured low, then whispered in my ear,"old hubby's gone to catch...
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Very, very nice flow. It's really smooth. The only thing I'd work on is the slightly stilted and rhyme-driven "Have no fear." Maybe give it a title that explains a bit more what the setting is? What...
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At the risk of sounding girlish, cute sonnet. It was fun to read. I have to agree with the previous comment about the title, including the different title, as a suggestion of course.I like the...
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Another alternative final couplet to consider (hexameter final line for comic effect): I'll never tell them how she sucked and bit me,although the papers might report on how her hubby hit me. - Geertjan
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Geertjan - Thanks for commenting on my sonnet. I agree with the 'have no fear' and have changed that to something, I hope, more agreeable.Yes, the speaker is the paper-boy on his morning rounds. I'm...
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stamore - I'm glad you enjoyed. And thank you for your comments. I have changed 'catlike'. It was something I had doubts about too."pea-green," though I don't think I get it, I love.It means green as...
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Janie--it's a classic tale, the seduction of innocence into experience, & I like the way you've held your reaction back till the couplet. The chief blemish in the poem is your readiness to modify....
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I like this, Janie.Very well constructed light sonnet, and I think the close is fine as it is.(As a teenager I worked vacations as a milkman, and lived in hope.)I don't think she'd say "sweet thing"....
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Mike - Thanks for your helpful comments. I'll certainly look more squarely at the modifiers in my next sonnet attempt and with this one too - not easy for me, though!David - Thanks for your...
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A limp crit (ha, ha), because I really liked this piece (your latest version). Maybe title the poem 'Morning News'? Also, if you don't mind me saying so, this line...I dropped my morning papers, mouth...
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Hi Janie,First, congrats on leaping past the archaic pitfalls set to trip new sonneteers and launching straight into conversational delivery. This is a delight to read. If anything strikes me as a...
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Rob - thanks for commenting and your suggestion which I really like and will incorporate. Thank you very much. Mary - Thanks for being so encouraging! I'll fix the quotes. It was more a visual thing...
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Australian. But of course. I should've looked at your profile.I admire your willingness to listen, but you're wise to be cautious about incorporating others' suggestions wholesale. The best advice I...
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I think I like the "original" version more.-"Clutched papers only" feels awkward to me. That isn't out of place in this poem, but would be clear anyway. Besides, it appears dirty, and incongruous with...
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Thanks for commenting, stamore. You are probably right.I think I'm the one who's gone a bit loopy in the rewriting. I'll put it away for a while. -Janie
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